Automatic-flush Toilets and their Warring Factions

    I've been warning Governor Moonbeam about these devices for a long time now.

Undaunted, I continue my quest. It is a quest that many of my fellow 'drought-fearing'
Californians feel is a necessary journey. I see my garden whither and feel guilty about
watering these life-giving innocuous gifts from the Mother die. I shed my tears over them, like Iron Eyes Cody, to no avail. In my youth, I was told that "if it's yellow let it mellow". But, these robotic devices despise and destroy clean and usable water.
 

In Orange County, we have a 'toilet to tap' program. I find this foul and inhumane. We are forced to pay for and drink our own piss and shit water!  We allow vile corporations to capitalize on our most basic needs. Moonbeam allows this to happen.

Nestle CEO: Water is not a Human Right

I must admit that living in a drought-ridden desert has obvious consequences. But, to allow these machines to systematically 'flush away' a valuable resource seems untenable to me. I'd rather get rid of these than drink shit water.

 Let not our crops die or our people die, but let our Automatic Toilet/Urinal Flushers die!
           

WOODY ALLEN SPOTTED IN SAN FRANCISCO LOOKING ANXIETY RIDDEN!

                                            

                                     

           WOODY ALLEN SPOTTED IN SAN FRANCISCO LOOKING ANXIETY RIDDEN!

 by: Mike Spies

     Over the weekend famed movie director Woody Allen was seen standing around in San Francisco. Onlookers said he looked surprisingly nervous and plagued by an overbearing fear of death. One witness claims that Woody was so tense that he had one of his assistants biting his nails for him. Allen was also said to have refused to throw away his trash at a local eatery. He was quoted as saying, "In California, they don't throw away their garbage - they make it into TV shows." It is rumored that Allen is in San Francisco working on his latest film, Annie Hall 2: The Rise of Duane. Allen purportedly wanted to film in San Francisco to follow in the traditions of movies like, I Married a Communist and Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco. Woody then told reporters that he was astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe as he was having trouble finding his way around SF's infamous Chinatown. Allen then hurried away mumbling something about his one regret in life.

Anaheim Police Chief Releases Name of Suspect in Recent Homeless Deaths

 

Anaheim Police Chief

 Anaheim Police Chief John Welter addressed scores of reporters at a news conference Wednesday. Welter said the suspect is "what we believe to be a serious, dangerous serial killer operating in Orange County."

Welter told reporters that with the aid of special police task forces from Brea, Placentia, the Orange County Sheriff's Department, and the FBI,  they have been able to narrow down their list of suspects.

Welter concluded the press conference by revealing that the suspect at large is the Fullerton Police Department. Welter said, "The FPD is our prime suspect because they have the motive and a recent history in these matters."

Officers Manuel Ramos and Jay Cincinelli

Outside the press conference a local homeless man was screaming, " Serial Killer....man, I just want some damn cereal....for reals."

Embattled Fullerton Police Chief Michael Sellers was reached for comment at his home. Sellers, who has been on paid medical leave since August 2011, said, "How did you find me here?".

Chief Sellers with Mopey Face

P.O.D. Alive

Solemn Hour

The Ronald Reagan-Jelly Belly Connection

"You can tell a lot about a fella's character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful."

-Ronald Reagan

     As we all know, Ronald Reagan began eating pectin jelly beans in 1967 to combat his debilitating pipe-smoking addiction. These pectin jelly beans were provided to him by the shadowy Herman Goelitz Candy Company. When Reagan became President, Jelly Bellies took over as the most prevalent candy at the White House. So long, Candy Corn! Oh wait a minute, would it surprise you to know that Candy Corn was also invented by the Herman Goelitz Candy Company?

     Ronald Reagan's favorite flavor of Jelly Belly was licorice. Sounds normal, right? My sources have told me that studies are being done which say that licorice may be effective in the prevention and treatment of Alzheimer's Disease. Was Reagan onto something?

    I found the Goelitz' obsession with creating food flavored candy to be quite odd, but I found it even more odd that they were trying to use candy to combat disease. Was Ronald Reagan just a pawn in The Goelitz scheme to create a New World Order for medicine and food? Just think, instead of growing, harvesting, and eating food you could just eat a food flavored Jelly Belly. Hmm...that sounds eerily familiar. I believe we all remember the three-course meal stick of gum from the twisted factories of Willy Wonka. Scientist at the Institute of Food Research (IFR) are now saying that with the advent of nanotechnology these possibilities may become reality.

    Lately, I've noticed the emergence of gummy vitamins. You'll have to forgive me, but I can't help but think that this wouldn't have come to fruition without the harbinger of medicinal candy, Ronald Reagan. When Reagan retired he bought a house in Bel Air, California. The address was 666 St. Cloud Street. Normally, I wouldn't have thought this to be out of the norm. But, Nancy refused to move into the home until the address was changed to 668 St. Cloud Street. Hmm...Weren't there 1,000 prophecies in the bible, and of those 1,000 prophecies, haven't 668 of them been fulfilled?


Reporting from somewhere deep in the heart of Orange County,

Mike Spies