Solemn Hour

The Ronald Reagan-Jelly Belly Connection

"You can tell a lot about a fella's character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful."

-Ronald Reagan

     As we all know, Ronald Reagan began eating pectin jelly beans in 1967 to combat his debilitating pipe-smoking addiction. These pectin jelly beans were provided to him by the shadowy Herman Goelitz Candy Company. When Reagan became President, Jelly Bellies took over as the most prevalent candy at the White House. So long, Candy Corn! Oh wait a minute, would it surprise you to know that Candy Corn was also invented by the Herman Goelitz Candy Company?

     Ronald Reagan's favorite flavor of Jelly Belly was licorice. Sounds normal, right? My sources have told me that studies are being done which say that licorice may be effective in the prevention and treatment of Alzheimer's Disease. Was Reagan onto something?

    I found the Goelitz' obsession with creating food flavored candy to be quite odd, but I found it even more odd that they were trying to use candy to combat disease. Was Ronald Reagan just a pawn in The Goelitz scheme to create a New World Order for medicine and food? Just think, instead of growing, harvesting, and eating food you could just eat a food flavored Jelly Belly. Hmm...that sounds eerily familiar. I believe we all remember the three-course meal stick of gum from the twisted factories of Willy Wonka. Scientist at the Institute of Food Research (IFR) are now saying that with the advent of nanotechnology these possibilities may become reality.

    Lately, I've noticed the emergence of gummy vitamins. You'll have to forgive me, but I can't help but think that this wouldn't have come to fruition without the harbinger of medicinal candy, Ronald Reagan. When Reagan retired he bought a house in Bel Air, California. The address was 666 St. Cloud Street. Normally, I wouldn't have thought this to be out of the norm. But, Nancy refused to move into the home until the address was changed to 668 St. Cloud Street. Hmm...Weren't there 1,000 prophecies in the bible, and of those 1,000 prophecies, haven't 668 of them been fulfilled?


Reporting from somewhere deep in the heart of Orange County,

Mike Spies

Nerdy Thursdays Presents: UTI

Some Green Tips

Cribz: Mike Spies Edition

Hey, in response to the release of the Ballin' edition of Brunch! Magazine, I decided to make a Cribz video to let y'all know how I'm livin'.

How To Conquer Your Fear of Nanobots

So, you’ve let the fear creep in and yet you’ve somehow managed to find your way here. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones. With my simple 5-step method, nanobot eradication is a snap! First off, let’s check the severity of your fear!

Threat Level Green(moderate fear) Do you have the nagging feeling that nanobots and nanotechnologies are not just a theory? Do you think that you may have felt one crawling into your ear last night and that it may have winked at you. If this sounds like you, start at step one. There is hope for you yet.

Threat Level Orange(elevated) Do you have that scratching sensation on your epidermis or the feeling that something is tearing away at your insides? Skip to step #3. This is the feeling that usually accompanies a full-scale nanobot invasion. Godspeed!

First, I like to start out with something simple that on the surface appears to have nothing to do with the destruction of nanotechnology. I think this task is extremely therapeutic and necessary for the completion of tasks 2-5.

1. Let’s Destroy* the RFID in your Passport.

First, grab your Passport and locate the chip. Then, grab a hammer and have at it. This terminates (kills) the RFID chip inside and severely damages the nanobot's ability to locate you.

*It is a Federal Offense to tamper with your passport

2. Now that you’ve destroyed the first chip, I’m sure the hunger to destroy the lot of ‘em is pulsing through your nanobot ridden veins. For the RFID chips in your credit cards, I would advise making a foil covering for your wallet to block the RFID. Have fun with this one and decorate the foil. I like gluing plastic gems and drawing designs on mine to give them that cool "Ed Hardy-esque" look. Did somebody say “High Fashion”? Next, we are going to move on to your "celly". This is where things get difficult. The cell phone creates a virtual “Riemann Hypothesis” for the nanotechnology rebel. You can either get rid of your phone, or like me, you can let your unsuspecting roommate hold onto it for you. To avoid guilt, make sure to ask your roommate if they have ever heard of nanobots. If they respond with “no or whuh bro?”, then proceed as planned.

Now that we’ve deterred more nanobots from attacking, you can breathe a little easier. Go ahead, take a deep breath. Isn't that great without the feeling that you just sucked a a butt load of nanobots down your windpipe?

Let’s Kill Some Nano-Bots! I must admit that there are no “proven or safe” methods for destroying these nasty little suckers. This poses us with a virtual “Fermat's Last Theorem”. If you care more about overcoming your fear than some proposed and suspect health risks, then move on to Step #3. 

3. Get an MRI. If you don’t already have one scheduled I would advise faking a workplace injury. The magnetic field will disable the nanobot’s ability to tear away at your vital organs.

4. Get tazed, bro! If you own a tazer, then taze away my friend. If not, try asking a local police officer to do so. If they refuse, try reaching for their gun. The tazer will give those nanobots the shock of their life.

5. As we all know nanobots hate mysterious places. I would suggest going to the “Mystery Spot” or “The Winchester Mystery House”. Go ahead and pick up a souvenir bumper sticker. You’ve earned it!

Congratulations! You have just rid yourself from a virtual “Plague of 1348” sized nanobot infection. Now get out there and become a productive member of society again.

*If you feel the onset of a new infection I would advise cutting your intake of Iron to starve the little bastards.

See ya next time, gang!

Mike

Saturday Morning Project

    If you're like me, you prbably find making crafts extremely therapeutic. Did someone just say therapeutic??? Here's a fun(and easy) Saturday morning project:                   A Homemade Therapy Fund Jar!!!

 What you will need:

1. A jar. Preferably a 10 oz. coffee can or larger. (Not a coffee drinker??? Not a problem.  An empty tuna can works just as well when you want to save enough for a quick five minute "sesh" with your therapist.)
2. A knife. Any kind of slitting apparatus will work here.
3. Duct tape.
4. Marker
5. Starter Change. If you don't have any starter change I recommend using buttons.
Note: Never leave therapy jar empty. Also, if you only have buttons, I know a few therapists who will accept buttons as an acceptable form of payment.

Enough with the Therapy Mumbo Jumbo Already!

Let's Make a Jar!

Directions:

1. Empty coffee from jar.  Tip: Fresh coffee makes great compost and even better coffee enemas.

Quick Fact: In some countries coffee is brewed into a hot beverage. If you have an ethnic looking neighbor or ethnic looking significant other try giving them the unneeded coffee.

2. Carefully slit a coin slot sized hole in the lid.

3. Now it's time to add your coins or buttons.

4. Did you hear that clink sound? That's the sweet clink of future therapy "seshes".

5. Place duct tape on the front and write "Therapy Fund" on it.

Congratulations! You've just completed your first Therapy Fund Jar. Also, the Therapy Fund Jar makes a great gift for friends and loved ones.

See ya next time, gang!

Mike