Thursday, April 14, 2011

Cribz: Mike Spies Edition

Hey, in response to the release of the Ballin' edition of Brunch! Magazine, I decided to make a Cribz video to let y'all know how I'm livin'.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

How To Conquer Your Fear of Nanobots

So, you’ve let the fear creep in and yet you’ve somehow managed to find your way here. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones. With my simple 5-step method, nanobot eradication is a snap! First off, let’s check the severity of your fear!

Threat Level Green(moderate fear) Do you have the nagging feeling that nanobots and nanotechnologies are not just a theory? Do you think that you may have felt one crawling into your ear last night and that it may have winked at you. If this sounds like you, start at step one. There is hope for you yet.
Threat Level Orange(elevated) Do you have that scratching sensation on your epidermis or the feeling that something is tearing away at your insides? Skip to step #3. This is the feeling that usually accompanies a full-scale nanobot invasion. Godspeed!

First, I like to start out with something simple that on the surface appears to have nothing to do with the destruction of nanotechnology. I think this task is extremely therapeutic and necessary for the completion of tasks 2-5.
1. Let’s Destroy* the RFID in your Passport.
First, grab your Passport and locate the chip. Then, grab a hammer and have at it. This terminates (kills) the RFID chip inside and severely damages the nanobot's ability to locate you.
*It is a Federal Offense to tamper with your passport
2. Now that you’ve destroyed the first chip, I’m sure the hunger to destroy the lot of ‘em is pulsing through your nanobot ridden veins. For the RFID chips in your credit cards, I would advise making a foil covering for your wallet to block the RFID. Have fun with this one and decorate the foil. I like gluing plastic gems and drawing designs on mine to give them that cool "Ed Hardy-esque" look. Did somebody say “High Fashion”? Next, we are going to move on to your "celly". This is where things get difficult. The cell phone creates a virtual “Riemann Hypothesis” for the nanotechnology rebel. You can either get rid of your phone, or like me, you can let your unsuspecting roommate hold onto it for you. To avoid guilt, make sure to ask your roommate if they have ever heard of nanobots. If they respond with “no or whuh bro?”, then proceed as planned.
Now that we’ve deterred more nanobots from attacking, you can breathe a little easier. Go ahead, take a deep breath. Isn't that great without the feeling that you just sucked a a butt load of nanobots down your windpipe?

Let’s Kill Some Nano-Bots! I must admit that there are no “proven or safe” methods for destroying these nasty little suckers. This poses us with a virtual “Fermat's Last Theorem”. If you care more about overcoming your fear than some proposed and suspect health risks, then move on to Step #3. 

3. Get an MRI. If you don’t already have one scheduled I would advise faking a workplace injury. The magnetic field will disable the nanobot’s ability to tear away at your vital organs.
4. Get tazed, bro! If you own a tazer, then taze away my friend. If not, try asking a local police officer to do so. If they refuse, try reaching for their gun. The tazer will give those nanobots the shock of their life.
5. As we all know nanobots hate mysterious places. I would suggest going to the “Mystery Spot” or “The Winchester Mystery House”. Go ahead and pick up a souvenir bumper sticker. You’ve earned it!

Congratulations! You have just rid yourself from a virtual “Plague of 1348” sized nanobot infection. Now get out there and become a productive member of society again.

*If you feel the onset of a new infection I would advise cutting your intake of Iron to starve the little bastards.

See ya next time, gang!